Watching others graze

 

How does it feel when you are standing in front of a green, lush meadow, smelling the sweetness of all the flowers growing there - you are standing there and you just want to walk right on. Suddenly you realize that there's a high fence between you and this wonderful meadow. You are trying to climb over it, to remove it somehow, you are sweating, making efforts and wearing yourself out, just trying everything to reach this meadow... 

While doing that, you see others simply walking on it, filling their empty stomachs, lying down on the meadow, enjoying the sun shining down, the soft breeze on their skin. You can see their happy faces. Their satisfaction, their joy. You want that, too! You want it so much! You are wondering: "What entrance are they using? How did they get there? Why are they allowed to enjoy this and I can't?" 

 This is just a picture of how I felt for a long time. I had a dream. I had a vision. My heart desired to move forward for God, to serve Him, to step out of the ordinary and just to make a difference, advancing His kingdom. While I was trying to get involved in all kinds of things I thought would fulfil exactly that goal, I was watching others doing exactly what I wanted to do. I saw them enjoying it, I saw them working in the areas I really wished to work in. I saw them traveling, exploring new territory geographically, spiritually... and all I could do was: Watch. Watch. Sit. Wait. Watch. It was a hard place to be in. 

Hardly anyone could understand how I felt. I believe today with all my heart that God has a reason for everything. He knows when, how, what, with whom etc. He knows which lessons we need to learn, and which training is the best for us to be a useful tool in His hands once He is moving us on. We might not always understand. 

I don't fully know all the things I had to learn, the reason why I was just able to "watch from a distance" for quite a while. But God knows. He's all-knowing. He doesn't mess things up. We're too precious for Him! And where ever we see ourselves right now: Watching and waiting, being "right in there, doing the stuff", God doesn't keep a distance to us. Never ever. He'll be close to us, while we are "on the shelf", and He'll stick with us while we're "in use". 

I think the mistake I really made was, focusing too much on the meadow I couldn't approach, focusing too much on the fence, while Jesus was beside me all the while, waiting for my attention, waiting for me to learn the lessons, to listen to Him, to receive from Him right where I was. 

While on the shelf: I want to use the time to focus on Jesus, to enjoy the time with Him, which will make it much more endurable. When I'm "in use": I want to make sure I am not getting too involved and too busy not to spend time with Jesus, because that'll make me weak - too weak to give my best for God. And it might even result in putting me back on the shelf!