Exposure time. In 2008 / 2009 I got so violently ill that I was bed-ridden and in constant, excruciating pain. I couldn't shower or feed myself or do anything for that matter. A bit scary when you're not even 30 and wondering whether this is it! My poor husband had to do everything, go to work, shower me, feed me, wheel me to the loo on our office chair.... He was (and still is) a pillar of support in my life. He is the best husband I could have asked for.
After spending months and thousands of Euros on medical specialists and tests in Germany, the result was that I seemed to have fibromyalgia. As I learned more about it I realised that in human terms, there isn't really a cure for it at all. The main goal is to help you manage the symptoms, and to this end, they just try all sorts of funny medications out on you and hope that one of them will do the trick. So I ended up with one type of medication that I have been on since 2009. In 2010 the dose was increased further to raise my quality of life and mobility.
After a short attempt to get involved in discussion forums on fibromyalgia, I quickly gave that one up because the constant wallowing in symptoms and combinations of medication and cruel experiences with doctors really wasn't going to work out for me - after all I have been a fervent Jesus lover since the age of 11, and this told me that I had something more to hope for than being sick for life, let alone making my whole life's focus being ill. Understanding that Jesus hadn't only died for my sins but also all sickness, I determined that sooner or later, this healing would have to manifest.
Since that time, I have gradually gotten better and better. Yes I have tried for years to eat very healthy and as soon as I could to start moving, go for walks etc. but if you look at how well I am now, it doesn't really make sense logically... I should not be this well, and I refuse to put it down to anything grand I have done, but instead am convinced that God has been very busy putting me back together.
In the last years God allowed me to travel more than I ever have in life before, providing the finance and opening the right doors, and I have physically done things I never thought I could. I look well most of the time but I'm telling you, the in between lows have been a real nightmare. Of course, nobody gets to see that. Muscle and nerve pain, fatigue, being tense, vertigo and migraine headaches and all the rest of it. But the general trend definitely kept going upwards. And that increase my expectation of course. I figured: God has a call and purpose for my life, and as illness comes from the pits of hell, the illness must shift - as simple as that.
Last year in September I finally felt it was the right time. My GP (general practitioner) had asked months prior for the very first time whether I would consider decreasing my meds. At first I wasn't sure. I was scared. Then I had a chat with God about it and thought: "What if this is you? I have been asking for a 'hint' for years..." Then it was decided. Step of faith, with the prayer support of all my loved and trusted ones.
If I described all the goings-on in all detail this would get far too long for sure, but I am now half-way through my reduction, the last one having been at the beginning of March. This last one was definitely a more tricky one. Pain on and off. Complete exhaustion on and off. My brain and central nervous system now really notice that something is "missing". More than ever they now need to learn to feed on the Spirit for well-being, and not on a chemical substance. And I need to be patient enough to wait for the process to be completed.
The last few months have been such a time of fulfilment in my life, probably more than ever before. At the same time the sense of advance being a struggle never stops. There is a cost to all of this, and perseverance and re-engaging with God in trust over and over is probably the key thing. Only Jesus knows what you're going through and how many deaths you have died to make it to today. That is why this is the most important relationship I will ever have. Self-reliance is the worst trap you could ever fall into. You will run into limitations, sooner or later.
I am not making a doctrine out of all this. I don't think it's your "fault" if you are not experiencing healing. There are theories of "lack of faith" or "lack of proclaiming biblical scripture". There are other theories of "God lets me suffer so I learn stuff". I don't agree with any of that. I think as soon as our walk with God becomes a mere exercise of religion or "press this button and then this will happen", it can only go wrong. It's good to learn. Cling to what is good, toss what isn't helpful. Test and weigh everything with the help of Holy Spirit and the bible. But more than anything I believe it's all about God and us, and us and God, staying engaged, staying eye-to-eye. And being real about who we are and what our life journey is like, without diminishing the glory that is at work in and through our lives by the Holy Spirit. I felt it was time to be real. If it blesses a single one out there, that'll be good. :-)
